10 Years and counting....

10 years and counting....

10 years ago, this week, was one of the worst times of my life.  Here is a little background...

I married my current husband Jeff in March of 2001.  We met online, on a website.  www.matchmaker.com  I was a divorced, 26 year old, mother of  a 5 year old, and 3 year old sons. I just wanted to find someone to hang out with, and just have fun with.  Jeff became my best friend.

I turned 27 in May. My Birthday just happened to be on Sunday, but Jeff being Jeff, started it 4 days early. He sent the MOST amazing, birthday "Americana" birthday baskets to my work. I also got a bear, and another basket, and the final gift was my first tatto. An American Flag in a heart.  I have always loved this country, and the flag, and what it stood for.  It seemed to be the perfect tatoo. 

Jeff proposed in June, he moved in the house in August, and then September 11th happened....

We all have our memories, and I won't bore you with mine, at this time, but to say the least, I WAS DESTROYED!!!  The country that I loved was under attack, and I watched it happen.   My priorities shifted quickly.  I quit my job, and spent time with my boys.  

We got married on 2-22-02.  We went to Vegas.  It was actually perfect, cause in April of 2002, we had a big casino party at the house, and all of our friends came.  It was a great time!

I got pregnant in April  2002.  For the last weekend of May on, I was extremely ill.  I had  Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  

(HG is a severe form of morning sickness, with "unrelenting, excessive pregnancy-related nausea and/or vomiting that prevents adequate intake of food and fluids." Hyperemesis is considered a rare complication of pregnancy but, becausenausea and vomiting during pregnancy exist on a continuum, there is often not a good diagnosis between common morning sickness and hyperemesis. Estimates of the percentage of pregnant women afflicted range from 0.3% to 2.0%.)

I had lost a lot of weight, and was in the hospital ALL the time.  Finally, they had to put a PICC line in my arm, so that they could give me continuous medication, and IV fluids in my body, and I could go home.  I was miserable.  

Then, on September 10th, 2002.  I was 20 weeks, halfway there...I had an ultrasound.  There was no heartbeat.  My baby had died.

I was in the hospital on the 1 year anniversary, of  one of the worst days of my life.  I was determined not to have this child on 9/11.  So, 14 hours in labor, at 12:20am on September 12th, 2002.  I delivered, a one pound little baby boy.  We named him Alan.

Serious now....

I mean it, I am going to be writting in this blog from now on. Even if only 2 people read this, I am writing it for them. So much has happened since my last post. I guess I will just pick up from there, and move forward. ******This is about the tragety at the Indiana State Fair, on August 13, 2012******* ******If you are sensative about other people's pain, please don't read!!!********* In April 2011, My friend Candice and I were in a bookstore, and she remembered that I like country music, and she asked me if I wanted to go see Sugarland. I said yes, and she jumped on her phone, and bought the tickets. The tickets were for the mid section. I remember asking her if they were good, and she said, they were ok. I then promptly forgot about the concert, until August. Candice said that she would drive, cause she knew where it was. She picked me up, and drove to the fairgrounds. I am not a big "fair" person. Carnies freak me out, and I don't trust the rides at all. But, we were going to a concert, so it was no big deal. We were a little late, Sara Barrellis (the opening act,) was on stage, and we found our seats. I have to say tht I was a little dissapointed. I like to be in the first few rows when I go to a concert, but it was ok. Candice had a friend that was down in the "sugar pit." She called her, and we all waved. Jeff had texted me, and told me that there was a storm warning. But I am not from Indiana. I just figured that they would stop the concert, if a storm came through. I was wrong. Sara Barrillis left the stage, and they were changing things over. I thought that I had seen lightening. I stood up, cause the seats were metal. I am not a scientist, but I do know that metal and lightening don't mix. I remember saying - "I think we should go" I believe that I was not suppost to be there any longer....I also made a joke about being the only black girl at a country concert, I was going to be the one struck by lightening. Candice laughed at me, and I sat down, I wasn't very comfortable, but I did spend $60 to see the concert. It had been like 20 minutes, and we were getting restless. Then a man came on the stage, and siad that we could go across the way, if we wanted to seek shelter from the storm. The cops that were standing on the ground near the sugarpit, had left, and a bunch of people started to file out. The sky was getting so black, I was so scared...didn't really know what to do, I was facing Candice, when I heard the screams, I think that they were coming from the ferris wheel, and outside of the venue. Then the wind started, it whipped up the dirt that was all around us. Then Candice said - look at the stage. At that moment, I watched the stage slowly fall forward, and then collapse.... The first thing I said was - "Oh, My God! There were people in there!!!" Then a man near us said, "yes there were!" He didn't seem concerned, or intent on anyone elses safty but his own. Everyone from the seats below us, started to climb over the seats to the mail aisle. I also started to climb, then stopped, because Candice was having trouble. Memories start to get a little jumbled here. I believe that I was going into shock, or just trying to distance myself from what was happening....I remember that there were a lot of screams and general chaos. I remember a boy standing there crying, and I remember talking to him, trying to help him find his mom..... I remember the hug his mother gave him, when she finally made it to him, in the chaos.... I remember someone asking for mens T-Shirts....I remember being asked if I knew CPR, and to follow someone..... I remember a girl.....Her boots, Her head injuries....I remember hand holding, and frantic searching, to be of help, any help at all....I get flashes of people trying to move a stage, with a mans' screams...I remember carrying a chair with a body on it.....I remember being in the Car, and I remember being soaking wet, and shaking, and being cold, so cold......But the screams....I will always, ALWAYS remember the screams. Candice dropped me off, I walked into the kitchen, and My husband was there watching the news...apparently someone had video taped the whole thing. For the next 10 days, that video was played over, and over, and over again....I saw myself in the video....I hated that. This man, who had video taped one of the worst experiences of my life, made it so I couldn't pretend that I wasn't there. So I put on a brave face. I said that it was not that bad, it was just shocking, and then I proceded to block everything out. There were 12,000 people at that concert. 7 died, and over dozens were hospitalized, hundreds helped, and thousands will continue to hear the screams...

Brave Girl Camp

I went to Brave Girl Camp last month, it was right before my birthday, and I had the hardest time getting there. I kept missing my flight...but I finally made it. I don't know what I expected, but I knew that Melody Ross was fun, and strong, and creative, I think I thought that I was just going to a crop week.

It was SO much more...
First off, the food. OH MY, the food. Kathy was in charge of the menu, and everything was so amazing. I had taken about 50 mg of steroids before I got on the plane, so I was feeling pretty good. Really nothing hurt too bad, and I was looking forward to catching up with Elena, and Mel, and making new friends.

After breakfast, we sat in a circle, and Mel talked to us about our souls, about what our true, authentic selves were. It was amazing. When she said stuff that I really related to, I really started to think. She gave a prompt for us to make pages in a book with. It was so hard to do. I cried, and thought, and was just trying to process everything that she said, and how much I related to it.

I think that this is so hard for me to write about, because I think that everyone has their own experiences, and no matter who is talking, there is a bond. When I came home, I felt like I had a joined a "Love Cult."

I know that it sounds wacky, and weird, but I love every woman that was there with me, while I went through the biggest growth of my life. I think I had a HUGE paradigm shift that allowed me to let go of a lot of pain, and become accountable to myself. I do think that one of the best things is coming home, and getting the daily affirmations from Brave Girl Club. If you have a minute, and haven't already, just go to www.bravegirlclub.com and put your e-mail address in, and receive the daily - a little birdie told me. These things make my day. I also know that they are coming from someone that loves me for me.

That is all I can really seem to write right now.

I'm back....

So I have been away for a long time, and I am pretty sure that no one is reading this anyway, so I feel pretty safe to let my feelings out there. Yesterday, my husband and I went and got an eye exam, and lo and behold, we have the same freaking perscription! Can you believe it? I could hardly contain my amazement.

I also cut some bangs. I know, big deal right? Well this is a big deal, ONLY because this is the FIRST time in my life that I actually love my hair. I have been using this new product - OJON. It is from the Ojon nut from South America, I don't care if it is some guy's gizz, this stuff is AMAZING! I flat ironed my hair, and it has so much shine and body, it looks like I am wearing a wig. I can't explain it, I will have to take a picture.

So of course the day I have perfect hair, I join the YMCA, and chose to start training for a Sprint Triathlon. I know, crazy...but that is what I am - Crazy Rachel

I hate to get political....

But I just have to for a minute. This is going to be one of the biggest elections of my time. Everyone assumes, I am black, so I will be voting for Obama. I read his book a couple of years ago, and I didn't agree with a lot of things that he said. I have waited to hear him say something that I do agree with. Still waiting... I am one of those voters, that is still "undecided."

My husband and I have very different views on the issues, and we said LONG ago, that we would not talk about politics or religion. It has worked for us thus far, but I would like to hear his opinion on some issues. There are so many HUGE propositions this year, that I feel I have to study all day Monday, so that I can vote on Tuesday. This is all making me very tired..

Tomorrow is Wednesday.

I have an infusion tomorrow, but I feel sick. I may have a fever. If I have a fever I can't have my infusion. This sucks!

Everyone asks me.

How are you?

I know that some of my friends mean it, while others don't. I just don't know what to say anymore...

Fine?
Ok?
Crappy?

I have gone through MANY life changing events. The difference between them, and this, is that eventually those pains go away. The losses get easier over time. They betrayal fades...

This will be with me FOREVER. I have come to the realization that I will be in some sort of pain, every single day, for the rest of my life. Being in chronic pain is it's own personal hell. I try to keep a positive outlook. I like to think, so many other people have it much worse. But there is a large percentage of the masses that I have it worse then. Do I feel sorry for myself? NO. I feel sorry for my family. I am sad for my close friends. They have to watch it, and there is nothing anyone can do for me.

So I have decided not to feel sorry for myself, and the answer to that question is going to be...

I feel blessed.

I have a family that loves me, THREE healthy boys, a lovely husband, and a wide circle of friends. Truth be told - things could be much worse. So my answer will be - blessed. If you are a close friend, or one of my doctors - I will give you a scale from 0-10. Ten being the worst.

Today I am a 6.

So much going on, yet, so little...

Somehow I hurt my right shoulder. It hurts with whatever I do. I see the doctor in the morning, and then the pain guy at noon. Busy day with really nothing much coming from it. I guess that sounds really negative, but that has just been my experience. I did get to take a class at my Local Scrapbook Store. Pink Pineapple Scrapbooks. It was doodling with Stephanie Ackerman. She is just the cutest! It really has kept me busy, since I can do it in bed. I also got to go down to La Jolla on Wednesday and see my best friend. That was nice. Just tired. Will let ya know what is going on after my appointments tomorrow.

Apple, the computer, not the fruit.

There is so much hype about the new iPods that just came out. They are really cool, coming in all those different colors (the nanos.) The new iPod touch,(http://www.apple.com) that is much thinner, and cheaper. The problem that I have is the new slogan.

iPod touch. The funnest iPod ever.

Seriously? I mean, come on. I am trying to raise intelligent kids! You know how dumb someone sounds when they say funnest? I just don't like it. I don't want to sound like a prude, maybe I am just old.

On another note - the free iPod touch offer is almost over. If you are a college student (or just say you are) You can get a discount on an apple computer. You also need to add an iPod to your order. You will then receive a rebate for the amount you spent on that iPod. Up to $300. The deal ends on September 15th, 2008.

Have more patience then money? Wait till June next year, they tend to do this every year.

And it comes full circle...

Been feeling sickly, and not so great. Went to the doctor today, and it looks like the Remicade is not going to work for me any more. It also looks like I need to go back on the chemo. This is just so depressing, and unnerving. I was so happy when I got off of it. I guess I am just a little overwhelmed, and way stressed out. My parents have been planning to move out, and that just adds to the stress. Looks like I am going to be sick every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

I MISS MY LIFE!

On a brighter note - My bubba come back!! I go up to the Ontario Airport tomorrow to pick Devin up. It seems like he has been in Idaho for YEARS!! I miss him so much.

 

To be a cat...

In my house...

If there is an after life, that is what I would like to come back as...

an indoor "cat of color."


(yes, they match my decor...a mistake? I think not!)

 

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You have to see this...

ok, check this out. I was stunned when I saw it. Simply stunning, and I can't wait to get my hands on it. I have loved Chatterbox for years, now I am totally gone.

Buy Handmade!

I don't know if you know about this, but Etsy is my new favorite site. I go on everyday. What is really fun....you find something you like, add it to your favorites, and then click to see what is favorites by your favorites. It reminds me of how we used to surf the web. One link leads to another....

I got Ro a cape from this lady...
um, yes, it is Orange, and it is fabulous!!

Health update...infusion went well on Wednesday the 21st. I also got my last shot in my knee for lube. I also got another cortisone shot in my left shoulder. So I had a few needles in me. Things can only get better. Still really tired.

Croc Heels

For those that know me, you know that I LOVE crocs. I love the comfort, and ease, and just plain everything. I am just not sure how to feel about these.

I guess you should just be greatful that they don't have them in my size.